The NBA Dow Jones Report

Crypto is dead and I told all you rascals to- (OK, my editor says I can’t talk about this… My bad.) In other news, the NBA Dow report is in, and I am here to help interpret the results. For those of who are unfamiliar with the NBA Dow report, this actually is a real thing… that I made up just now. But it’s something new that I’m trying and hopefully it helps you understand what players and teams to invest in and which ones to avoid. Think of me as your NBA Investment manager, who is giving you a dispassionate update and scoop on who and what to watch for. Got it? Cool. Let’s get to it!

…Oh and if your investment or potential investment isn’t here, don’t take offense. It’s either because there has been minimal to no investment placed in them (they are trash), or I ran out of room.



↓Cleveland Cavaliers: What ostensibly looked to be a promising road trip after a successful win in Denver has quickly plummeted in stock value as the Cavaliers lost both games at Staples Center this past weekend to the Los Angeles Lakers and the Clippers. I’m a little upset because I have a vested interest in this team (the Lebron James GOAT Argument) and it’s just up and down every week. They currently sit at 4th in the eastern conference. However, with James seeding traditionally does not matter. Bottom Line: The Cavs are a risky investment, but if they ever pull this thing together, it could result in a big pay day.

↑Los Angeles Lakers: Before succumbing to a 108-103 loss to the Portland Trail Blazers, the Lakers reeled off a 5-game win streak. They also beat the reigning eastern conference champions on Sunday in a convincing fashion, led by the unlikeliest of heroes: Julius Randle and *grits teeth* Isaiah Thomas. Y’all know how I feel about IT, but that’s another topic for another day. The baby Lakers have 4 players averaging over 15 points, and the heir to the Big Baller Throne himself is playing very well. Rookie Lonzo Ball is currently leading the team is assists (7.0) and second in rebounding to Randle. They are about 6.5 games out of legitimately competing for a playoff position, but this is a team for the future. Get your Lakers gear now bandwagon fans, because they are coming. This team is like Amazon stocks back in 1997.

↓San Antonio Spurs: Get well soon Kawhi Leonard.

↓Kevin Durant: The 2017 Finals MVP dropped 40 and 39 points in his last two games, and lost both of them. Granted, it was against playoff contending teams but c’mon bro. He recently had an interview saying “It’s weird without Stephen Curry”. Stop it!!! You are playing with the freaking warriors. It makes me think that sometimes Durant’s numbers are empty calories when he has to lead a team by himself. I saw it in Oklahoma City, and now with Curry out, I’m seeing the same. I honestly trust Chef Curry more than I do Durant. In the kitchen and on the court.

↑Portland Trailblazers: Damian Lillard is sick and tired of being sick and tired!! The Trailblazers are currently riding an effervescent 10-game win streak, with a big match against my the Cleveland Cavaliers. Lillard throughout the streak is averaging 32.4 points, 7 assists and 3.7 rebounds. The team currently sits at 3rd in the Western conference, clearly intimating that they are a force to be reckoned with this year.

↓Philadelphia 76ers: This team is 5-5 in its last 10 games. Trust the process? Ehhh. At 6th place in the eastern conference, they are still doing better than the Bucks though. Which reminds me, why was Jason Kidd fired again? *sips tea*

↑Anthony Davis: For all my blue collar potential investors, this is where you want to allocate those funds because this dude puts in some hard work! Also, if everyone could send $100 to my venmo or cash app (I’m trying to see something real quick) But seriously, Davis in the line-up has been a complete monster since Demarcus Cousins went down, completing a record of 13-5, including a 10 game win streak in which he averaged 35.6 points, 13.6 rebounds and a partridge in a pear tree. With Cousins out for the season, Davis seems to be of the sentient that he must destroy everything in his path.

↑Steve Kerr: For a guy with several back injuries, the dude can move. Better than I can at least, and I don’t have any injuries.  Check out the Steph Curry birthday video. Steve Kerr and the Warriors are what you call a blue chip stock. Similar to McDonalds or VISA, you will never lose money betting on that team.

↓Oklahoma City Thunder: I would love to say this is the norm for a nascent team incorporating three big names. But sometimes it just doesn’t fit (that’s what she said). Post All Star break, Paul George has dropped from 19.3 to 17.3 in scoring, and his 3 -point percentage plummeted from 43.3 percent to 28.2. That said, the team is winning the games that it is supposed to, but the losses against Houston, Portland, and Golden State still doesn’t sit right with me. Then again, they are 4th in the wild western conference (at least now) so the ceiling for this team is as unpredictable and erratic as Russell Westbrook’s postgame interviews.

↑Houston Rockets: Them boys up to something. They are scary good.

↑Toronto Raptors: This team is like bitcoin. They look really good, and they are on pace to have the best record in franchise history this year. But don’t be surprised if next week, the stock value has dropped, or crashed by playoff time.

Leave a Reply